yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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