why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
