I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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