dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
