At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
