so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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