I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
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The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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