YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
