Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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