Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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