his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
