I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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