I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
