Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
