Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
