I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
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Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
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How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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