This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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