I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
