o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
