i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
