I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
