His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
