I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
