Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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