i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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