No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
