Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
