I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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