i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
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I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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