nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There's always time for handjobs
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
