So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
