Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
