Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
