my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
