You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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