Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
