no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
