I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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