your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
