My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
