I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
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it's like heaven, but drunker
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
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She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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