1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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