Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
