Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
