I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
