I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Also, beer. Big fan.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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