I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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