another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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