That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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