So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Less talking, more tequila
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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