GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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