Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
