I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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