Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just cropdusted the office
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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