I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
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im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.