first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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