i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
